Following Through

I wrote that last post in February of last year but chose not to publish in the midst of some new movements in the work world. I was right about to start a completely new endeavor as an Associate Producer on a low budget feature film, and I didn't want to publicize any wavering commitment to the project or my newfound colleagues. We shot through March. It was a great experience, full of new people, new situations, a new headspace. And it jumpstarted a period of productivity I hadn't had in a long time.

2014 was the first year I was a real freelancer. I didn't apply for unemployment even once; I had fairly steady work. It felt good, to be sure. I didn't completely hate New York for the first time in two years. There was a moment at the end of June, when I'd finished all of the jobs I had going, when I finally looked around and had nothing to do for the first time in six months. It was a nice breather before the panic set in: am I a freelancer in a lull, or am I unemployed? Is this it for me, six months of good work and then I'm done? But fortunately by the end of July, I had another couple jobs come in. And that was an even more fantastic feeling.

Not that any of this is has been lucrative by any means. I miss my salary so much. Even a low salary is something, and it's something stable. None of this "we'll wait until the 30th day of the 30 days you gave us to pay you" bullshit. Last year I made a little more than half of what I was making at the University, and then there's that pesky little thing called taxes, which I'm not looking forward to for the first time ever. But hey, the most important thing here is that things were looking up in 2014, and was I happy. Right? Not so fast.

The steadier work got (and man, was I thankful for that!), the more I cared what I was working on. What I'd written in February kept nagging away in the background: I'm not feeling fulfilled, there is a disconnect here. For jobs on which I was just the editor, I could engage with the content only very little. I missed thinking about the content and actively getting a worthwhile message across. My work with the American Museum of Natural History has been a godsend in this regard. They have so many great things going on there, and I'm really happy and always grateful to be a part of what they're doing and the messages they're sending to the public.

And working in close proximity to education again has helped me solidify my decision to apply to grad school. After talking about it for a year, I finally submitted my applications to three great schools. And after batting around multiple ideas about how to best approach my interest in psychology, I finally found the most amazing program I didn't even know I was looking for: a cognitive studies in education program that specifically explores how we learn and how such knowledge can be applied to other topics, such as media. Sesame Street may not be so far away after all. I find out in March.

Bored now.

For the first time in ten years, I'm completely unemployed. No UChicago, no AF temp job. It's been about a week. I'm miserable. I'm beginning to think I'm the type of person who can become lost without structure and purpose, but I can't be sure, since this has never happened to me. In general, my day to day activities and discipline haven't changed much since my previous arrangement of having two work-at-home jobs has finished, but the feeling is markedly different.

My first order of business during my last week with The University of Chicago was to secure a volunteer arrangement, something that could consistently get me out of the apartment and around the city I haven't yet begun to explore. I sent an email to Educational Video Center, a place a lot like a job I had back in 2007-08, and got a call the same day. Monday through Thursday, 2-5, I am a teaching assistant for two classes teaching social justice documentary filmmaking to high school/alternative school students. So that's something. (Perhaps more on this in another post.)

Other than that, my existence consists of applying to at least one job a day (though that drive has been waning), and interminably working on my production reel (UGH), so I can finally apply to all of those jobs in my queue that require one. I've also been teaching myself Adobe After Effects through online tutorials — and trying use it to come up with some kind of graphic identity for said reel. I usually end a variably productive morning with some Buffy or Angel, though I'm beginning to tire of it lately.

I'm beginning to tire of everything lately. As you can see, it's not for lack of things to do. As I've written here before, I can be by myself for hours and come up with an endless list of tasks I should take on. But for all of the busyness I put myself up to, lately, I still find myself thinking the word "bored" — a word and concept I loathe — and sometimes even saying it aloud. I don't believe one can be bored as long as there are things to take care of and thoughts to think and even people around (I guess). But I'm increasingly sad and bored and lethargic, and the false sense of discipline and purpose I give myself just isn't cutting it.

Now, if you know me, you are probably a bit surprised that I didn't plan for this, at least in part. But that's part of the problem: I did. I knew I might be unemployed for some period of time, but I thought I would be driven to give some attention to some of the priorities that had been back-burner'd over the past year. When I left Chicago in July, I did so with a vision of my temporarily-freelance existence, a picture that included cutting a feature-length documentary (pro-bono) for my friend DS and staying financially solvent through a few odd freelance editing jobs here and there through JS. Alas, DS reneged on the documentary after pressure from his production company — months of my work for nothing; I won't even be in the credits. And JS, well...that was probably doomed to begin with. I haven't heard from him in quite a while.

While I don't directly blame those guys for my current situation (wouldn't it have been great if I'd found a job here in NYC back in April?), and while I'm certainly grateful to have been able to live in this new, expensive city for three months now without much worry, I now find myself without any of the preplanned activities I'd banked on and been assured of just three months before, not to mention without the invaluable resume fodder I need to stand out in this insanely competitive market. I don't even want to broach the topic of money. It's just a disappointing situation, and I'm feeling helpless.

Unfortunately, the timing of my complete unemployment has come right as SM's work is ramping up. He has five classes, night lectures, reporting/field work, and hours of reading and writing assignments. By the time we're both home (thank God I'm out and about at least 3 hours of the day so I can say I get back from somewhere), I'm starving for connection, while he is stressing about school. I know I wrote here that I could go for days without talking to anyone, and I still think it currently holds true, but I don't think I realized how much purpose there is in working, even remotely, and resting assured that you will connect with at least someone, and that your work is meaningful to at least someone. Without that component, my world has shrunk that much more.

I'm volunteering at EVC in a program that isn't usually supported by others outside of the main teacher, so outside of helping students (who sometimes mistake me for one of them anyway) with camera work and learning FCP, I often feel superfluous. My friends here in NYC, with the exception of a few graciously involving people, all have their own lives and social groups, and they're often too busy or forgetful of my now-consistent presence to hang out. The perceptions of New York as an isolating place are starting to resonate. I have almost zero desire to get out and meet new people, I just miss having friends I could contact to hang out whenever, or friends with whom I'm comfortable enough to be some type of reliable social group. I remember feeling this way in 2009, after several friends of mine and SM's had left Chicago, and we didn't feel that bond with many people left in the city, so I know it's only a matter of time before that gets better. But feeling out of step with the busy, working world and with SM in school (and meeting new people there), it's hard to look very far ahead. I just hope I'm able to land a job before my money and sanity wear out.

Settling Down

Things in NYC are finally calming down. I'm feeling pretty good about things, and feel a bit more grounded. The adventures with home delivery still continue, but the furniture is trickling in, and as AL wisely said, "first world problem."

I think I might have a lead on a job! More on that if I land it. In the meantime, I'm trying not to become a hermit. I'm pretty sure I could go weeks without talking to anyone, and I'd be perfectly happy with reading, internet, running errands, and silence. Sometimes I think the only reason I talk to others is out of obligation: oh yeah, I should probably have some social interaction now. Oh right, there are people out there who care about me and I care about them, and I should probably do something to keep that up. And it's not that it's not fun, it's just that it's so easy to get caught up in the silence that I don't leave the apartment for days. Yesterday, outside of an early phone meeting, I worked and stemmed the tide of my inbox and cleaned and didn't talk to anyone until I helped SM cut his Final Cut project on my computer.(Oh yeah! Teaching others how to edit can be super fun!)

So I'm going out to lunch today. I'm going up to Columbia in the wind and rain, and I might be better for it in the end. I'll keep you posted.

Adventures in Freelancing: Part 1

For nearly 2.5 years now, I've been working as a video producer for the University of Chicago. At first, (the producer portion of) the job manifested itself as merely the organizational counterpart to the editing and videography I'd done for the same office for a year and a half prior, but since then, my handle on the work has become adept and nuanced. There are so many aspects of a project that need to be monitored, from triple checking to make sure the client knows what he or she wants in the first place to actually delivering something they want to watch (often two very different things). This fine tuning of knowing what is required of me has become especially important since I changed over to working with mainly long-term, documentary/interview/promotional-type projects.

Recently I was offered the chance to apply this knowledge outside of the University bubble. I was never into the whole freelancing thing; freelancing is too unstable and feels too detached for me, and so I much prefer having a steady job. But the non-profit SM works for needed some help, and I'm always more than willing to offer my skills for a good cause.

The setup is this: around 15 short videos to support their new individual giving campaign. The videos are to be distributed with their newsletter beginning April 1, at the rate of one per week. They already have people prepared to shoot the video, but they want me to make sure the vision is fully carried out and that the videos are delivered on time.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but I've already learned a few lessons and taken a few notes on the differences I've encountered in this new experience.

1) Being organized is more important than I give it credit for. I often take my need for logical process for granted. Of course you should talk to the person asking you to do something to make sure you know what they want, how they want it done, and where exactly your expertise comes into the picture, right? Apparently not everyone thinks such a conversation is important. The need for a plan is an asset, and, even if you're just sorting things out for yourself, it makes you look like you know what you're doing, for the very reason that you want to know what you're doing.

2) Having centralized labor is SUCH a plus. One great thing about my normal workflow is that labor is not a variable I have to think about very often. We know that one of our regular pool of videographers will most likely be available, so we can concentrate on how the video is actually going to turn out rather than if the video's going to be shot at all. In this new situation, I have to depend on a crew I don't know and have no reason to trust, and while the logistics of the shoot are up in the air, I can't settle anything with how the video will turn out, including confirming that our potential interview subjects should actually prepare to be interviewed on a particular date and time. Of course, this is why freelancers own their own equipment. I would give a lot for my own camera right now, not to mention lighting equipment; I could just do most of the video myself, taking away personnel and equipment variables and focusing on the important stuff.

3) Professionalism is so essential. Being professional isn't using big words or wearing certain outfits. It's knowing what you need from people, clarifying what they need from you, and knowing how to communicate everything clearly and concisely. (I also happen to believe it also implies a level of honesty, but I suppose others could take or leave that.) When professionalism is missing from any side of the equation, it's hard to move forward and get things done.

4) There needs to be a balance of trust and supervision. In my weekday job such trust is normally a given, because I know my videographers and editors, and I mostly feel comfortable telling them when something's not up to snuff or when I don't understand something myself. (To be honest, I end up doing of shooting and editing myself, which is awesome.) But under these circumstances, I find that I'm prone to want to talk a lot around the issues, and I'm scared to actually dig in and get to it, especially if I can't be there every step of the way. It's part of why I hate being in charge of things, because I think it's easier to shoulder all of the responsibility, and if I mess things up, so be it, the blame will all be on me. But if I never let go and concentrate on the bigger picture like I'm supposed to, the project won't get done on time. At the same time, if I sense that something's not right, there's nothing wrong with keeping a keen eye on the situation and getting more comfortable speaking up when something's not up to snuff.

Now it's time to follow my own advice. I'll let you know how the videos turn out and if I learn anymore about freelancing along the way.